Saturday, January 28, 2017

Giving myself permission

Sometimes it takes reminding....

When you are ingrained to be a certain way...or have created habits.... it takes reminding to turn it off. Reminding...and giving myself permission.

I slept in this morning. That's not the part that I have to give myself permission to do. That is just what I have to do some days to function. It's the rest of the day that requires extra from me.

When you spend so much of your life living by guilt, it takes so much effort to ease up on yourself.  Who guilts me? Me. I make up rules for myself. Ridiculous rules. Not like...don't kiss on the first date type rules. Rules like I have to feel like I've accomplished real things every day. If I don't accomplish anything, it can only be because I was sick or have a migraine or something crazy. These rules aren't real....I don't have them written on paper or anything. But they are there in some my head.

"Sleeping-in" is something I allow myself to do. As a consequence I must wake up to get an extraordinary amount of things done because I slept in. I must make up for that time by getting more done in a few hours than the "average" person. (In quotation because there isn't truly an average person.)

But I kept laying in bed and thinking I didn't feel like jumping up, taking a shower, putting my contacts in and getting on the move for the day. I just didn't. So I laid there feeling guilty that I slept in and guiltier that I didn't want to get my act together to start my tasks. Mind you, I had nothing pressing that had to be done. I was originally supposed to have a meeting today that would last most of the afternoon and then go to Drea's game. Yesterday I found out that my meeting was canceled so I figured it would be a good day to get some things done around the house.

I laid there and started realizing that it was okay if I didn't want to get anything done today. I had to REMIND myself - it's okay that you slept in and it's okay if you don't get right up and get moving. I had to remind myself that it's okay if I have a day where I get nothing done! It's okay if I'm not productive. For goodness sake! I had to tell myself it's ok if you don't take a shower and put your contacts in the moment you get out of bed. (It may be helpful to know that's my routine. I don't feel up and ready to start the day until I have showered, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in.)

I had to GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to throw on my glasses and some comfy clothes and move to the couch to watch tv and eat a bowl of cereal....even if it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Telling myself it's okay if you decide to stay there all day until Drea's game at 5pm was difficult. It truly is okay! Giving myself permission is a big deal for me! It's not easy when you feel like your like runs around productivity and you never want to "lose a day" of productivity. When I lose days, it has to be because I'm sick. And lately I've lost a lot of productivity days due to migraines and it makes me feel behind. (Behind on what goal....I couldn't even tell you. I think that's my imaginary rules again.) I've had to remind myself that this may be what I need to get done more than anything else today. My counselor has told me so many times that I need to take care of me sometimes. I don't do that very well....but I have a feeling a day of rest on my couch might be what that looks least for today.

It's OKAY!

I can love me for a day and give myself permission to take care of me.

*P.S.  Now....can someone remind me of this in a couple weeks when I have forgotten that this is okay again. :)

Monday, November 21, 2016

Every other week

Every other week when I give my girls to Andy to start their week with him I think what the hell did i do to my life. What ever made me think this was what i would want.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I forget I can do it

I often doubt my ability as a parent. I'm sure I've said it before and sound like a broken record. After working a full day and coming home to two active little girls, I'm often exhausted. I think I need help and I can't do it on my own. I forget that I'm capable. I surprise myself often when I realize that I got this! Do you ever watch the sitcom George Lopez used to have on tv? He often used that catch phrase when he was trying to convince his wife that he could handle something. He'd say, "I got thiiissss!" in a high pitched voice that escalated at the end.

Anyway, I surprise myself. I often feel overwhelmed and it will bleed into my thoughts of capability.

Even though "I've got thiiissss!" I've learned to ask for help. I've learned that there's nothing wrong with knowing that you have people around to help and sometimes it's necessary for my sanity to utilize their willingness to help me. I love it. It's just teaching my children to not be too prideful to ask for help and to not insist that you can do everything without help until you are crazy.
Maybe that sounds contradictory but I don't think so. Part of being a capable parent is knowing your limits....knowing that you physically can't be 3 places at once....And knowing that it takes a village. I love my village!

Now, would I rather be parenting WITH someone....sharing the workload? ABSOLUTELY! But I'm not right now and I'm ok with that. And I know that even though I'm physically alone, God is always with me!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Random "suckiness".....with an amazing ending

I've had this blog post in my head for a while....with some doodles on a piece of paper.  But I could never bring myself to actually type it.  I wasn't sure why.  Just figured "busy-ness" kept me from it and I would get to it.  Now I think it's because I never had the right ending.  I don't like being negative.  When I get in depressed, negative moods, I prefer to stay home in bed and not go around anyone because I truly like being the person that infects others with my smile and positivity not the person who brings the room down.  Lately, I've been the one who brings the room down.

So that's where this post begins.....

Random "Suckiness"

It sucks when you have to finally wash the dishes because you go to eat something and you realize you don't have any clean silverware.

It sucks when you make a great-looking steak and then remember you don't own a steak knife! LOL! (PS - Sharp butter knives work.)

It sucks when you finally break down and buy an outdoor table (for only $99! Woo woo!) and you are stoked to put it together and use it to only get to the very end and realize there is a piece missing.

Cancer SUCKS!

Watching someone you love dwindle away so quickly to a disease that had never really affected your lives

A life that will never not know the big "C" word

A disease that seems to have more power than anything in this

Divorce SUCKS!

Running into your kids at Wal-Mart and then having to put them in their dad's car to go home to a house that used to be yours, has all of your stuff in it, all of your spirit and life that you created in it, but isn't your home

Being a single mom.....whoa, this sucks a big one!

Making life altering mistakes that you can't take

Not being able to fix a mess you

The devil stealing your life and then wasting years of it on stupidity...SUCKS.

Regret. Failure. Unforgiveness. SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.

But Beautiful.

I came to a new realization today.  A new focus.


Not just because it's Thanksgiving. Today I realized that my woes and sadness are positive....odd to say, I know. But it's because I'm grateful. My sadness is a result of something good. Praise God!!! (Stay with me if you don't get it....I'll explain.)

I was a different person for a few years....
someone who wasn't me....
someone who couldn't see the reality of my situation....
someone who couldn't get out of the brainwashing enough to see the trees through the forest.... how am I not still in the abusive relationship I was trapped in?

He finally got something through to me that clicked in my head so I could wake up and leave and realize that I wasn't me. He rescued me!

I could still be in that situation. I could be a miserable human being 40 or 50 years from now who couldn't escape and my children hated me for the situation I kept them in and the life I made them live. God woke me up!!!  I'm so grateful to him for that. Grateful for a counselor who made me get real with myself about life. Grateful that I am free to be me again. I am learning to appreciate all of my blessings in whatever way they happen.

I get to live the rest of my life not under the spell of some evil man.
I get to live the rest of my life not trapped with a child with a miserable, evil man.
I get to live my life happy with the me I've become.
I get to share my story with others and hope I can help someone else hear God sooner.
I get to be close to my family again.
I get to try to recover things I lost.
I get to live a beautiful life even if I don't recover every single thing....I get the chance to try!!

I am grateful God saved me.  That is my story.

Cancer may suck.  Divorce may suck. Stupid annoying things in life...yep, they still suck.
But my God is the saver of all "suckiness."

Do I still have bad days.....absolutely! Lots of them! Some days I can barely function after the memories bubble to the surface of how I destroyed my family and hurt the people I love so badly. Those are the days I usually have to forgive myself again and thank God for his amazing grace!! (Wow, have I learned what that song really means!) Forgiveness is never a single action. We have to forgive over and over again...that's the only way forgiveness works. I've had to learn that in forgiving myself. Thank God he doesn't have to continually forgive us for one thing over and over again. He forgives us and forgets about it. Praise God!!

So, let me encourage you....wipe those tears....find out what is keeping you chained up and don't let it have any ownership over your life anymore.  God helped me break free of a relationship....that, yes, never should have happened to begin with....that was unhealthy and cancerous to my life and the world around me....I was rescued from that. God did that.

I'm going to trust that he's got it the rest of the way and I will let him drive.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

School has started but I'm learning!

School has started and I love a couple things I learned about the kids today.

Charlotte had to take 4 items to school to describe herself and I was amazed at how perfect her choices were.

1)  Her Cinderella jewelry box from Disney World - because she loves princesses and of course, Disney

2)  A locket bracelet - because she loves jewelry and accessories

3)  The cousins 2014 Christmas picture - because she loves her family and her cousins

4)  A little plastic animal that goes with one of her dolls - because she loves animals!

That's my Char! That is a great description of her!!!

Drea brought home new books that she checked out from the library today. We were picking what to read at bedtime and she showed me the elephant books that she checked out. She explained why she moved on to elephants.... She has literally read EVERY book that her library has on dolphins. Every dolphin book. So she started reading her next favorite animal, elephants. Truth be told, she probably had read most of the sea life books altogether not just the dolphin books. Also, I think her librarian ordered some additional dolphin books because she loved them last year.

I love that kid. Her thirst for knowledge amazes me! How about owning that fact when you begin 4th grade....You have read an entire section of books so you have to move on to another. And just so you know, this isn't a tiny little library in some tiny little school. It's a nice-sized library.  I kind of forget most days that she's 9.  ;-)

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

From the mouths of babes

My dad's in the hospital right now. They are trying to figure out what's wrong with him. I took the girls last night and they were so thoughtful and caring, wanting to color pictures for Papaw, Charlotte laid her little new squishy sea turtle on Papaw, and Drea picked out a worry stone for him in the gift shop that meant courage.

Later when we were sitting watching daddy sleep, Charlotte said to me, "Mom, I wish this wasn't happening to Papaw....I wish this was happening to someone else." Oh my goodness....from the mouths of babes. I didn't want her to think her concern was wrong so I told her it was ok how she felt but I wished this wasn't happening to anyone and wished Papaw was better.

I just love her sweet heart and her mind.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Heading into summer

I'm truly enjoying this weather and the rush from spring in to summer.

I have learned that I thrive outside experiencing God's beauty in nature. There's so many things I want to do this summer... kayak, learn how to ride a horse, sit on my deck and read, ride my bike, and just anything outside. (I say that until it's 100 and humid outside. Lol)

The picture below is of Drea enjoying the weather. Sitting in the sun reading and reading a snack. That was....until grass was getting in her drink and food because I was mowing while she was relaxing.

This is the neighbor's tree beside my house. It's beautiful! It makes me think of the azalea bushes that used to be in front of the house I grew up in on Morgantown Ave. 

This has been the pastime Charlotte has been enjoying with the spring weather. Caterpillar collecting. She doesn't understand why they all die in her little science experiment bucket.