Every other week when I give my girls to Andy to start their week with him I think what the hell did i do to my life. What ever made me think this was what i would want.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
I've had this blog post in my head for a while....with some doodles on a piece of paper. But I could never bring myself to actually type it. I wasn't sure why. Just figured "busy-ness" kept me from it and I would get to it. Now I think it's because I never had the right ending. I don't like being negative. When I get in depressed, negative moods, I prefer to stay home in bed and not go around anyone because I truly like being the person that infects others with my smile and positivity not the person who brings the room down. Lately, I've been the one who brings the room down.
So that's where this post begins.....
It sucks when you have to finally wash the dishes because you go to eat something and you realize you don't have any clean silverware.
It sucks when you make a great-looking steak and then remember you don't own a steak knife! LOL! (PS - Sharp butter knives work.)
It sucks when you finally break down and buy an outdoor table (for only $99! Woo woo!) and you are stoked to put it together and use it to only get to the very end and realize there is a piece missing.
Watching someone you love dwindle away so quickly to a disease that had never really affected your lives before....sucks.
A life that will never not know the big "C" word again....sucks.
A disease that seems to have more power than anything in this world....sucks.
Running into your kids at Wal-Mart and then having to put them in their dad's car to go home to a house that used to be yours, has all of your stuff in it, all of your spirit and life that you created in it, but isn't your home anymore....sucks.
Being a single mom.....whoa, this sucks a big one!
Making life altering mistakes that you can't take back....sucks.
Not being able to fix a mess you made...sucks.
The devil stealing your life and then wasting years of it on stupidity...SUCKS.
Regret. Failure. Unforgiveness. SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.
But FREEDOM......is Beautiful.
I came to a new realization today. A new focus.
GRATEFULNESS. BEAUTY. FREEDOM.
Not just because it's Thanksgiving. Today I realized that my woes and sadness are positive....odd to say, I know. But it's because I'm grateful. My sadness is a result of something good. Praise God!!! (Stay with me if you don't get it....I'll explain.)
I was a different person for a few years....
someone who wasn't me....
someone who couldn't see the reality of my situation....
someone who couldn't get out of the brainwashing enough to see the trees through the forest....
....so how am I not still in the abusive relationship I was trapped in?
GOD SAVED ME!!
He finally got something through to me that clicked in my head so I could wake up and leave and realize that I wasn't me. He rescued me!
I could still be in that situation. I could be a miserable human being 40 or 50 years from now who couldn't escape and my children hated me for the situation I kept them in and the life I made them live. God woke me up!!! I'm so grateful to him for that. Grateful for a counselor who made me get real with myself about life. Grateful that I am free to be me again. I am learning to appreciate all of my blessings in whatever way they happen.
I get to live the rest of my life not under the spell of some evil man.
I get to live the rest of my life not trapped with a child with a miserable, evil man.
I get to live my life happy with the me I've become.
I get to share my story with others and hope I can help someone else hear God sooner.
I get to be close to my family again.
I get to try to recover things I lost.
I get to live a beautiful life even if I don't recover every single thing....I get the chance to try!!
I am grateful God saved me. That is my story.
Cancer may suck. Divorce may suck. Stupid annoying things in life...yep, they still suck.
But my God is the saver of all "suckiness."
Do I still have bad days.....absolutely! Lots of them! Some days I can barely function after the memories bubble to the surface of how I destroyed my family and hurt the people I love so badly. Those are the days I usually have to forgive myself again and thank God for his amazing grace!! (Wow, have I learned what that song really means!) Forgiveness is never a single action. We have to forgive over and over again...that's the only way forgiveness works. I've had to learn that in forgiving myself. Thank God he doesn't have to continually forgive us for one thing over and over again. He forgives us and forgets about it. Praise God!!
So, let me encourage you....wipe those tears....find out what is keeping you chained up and don't let it have any ownership over your life anymore. God helped me break free of a relationship....that, yes, never should have happened to begin with....that was unhealthy and cancerous to my life and the world around me....I was rescued from that. God did that.
I'm going to trust that he's got it the rest of the way and I will let him drive.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
School has started and I love a couple things I learned about the kids today.
Charlotte had to take 4 items to school to describe herself and I was amazed at how perfect her choices were.
1) Her Cinderella jewelry box from Disney World - because she loves princesses and of course, Disney
2) A locket bracelet - because she loves jewelry and accessories
3) The cousins 2014 Christmas picture - because she loves her family and her cousins
4) A little plastic animal that goes with one of her dolls - because she loves animals!
That's my Char! That is a great description of her!!!
Drea brought home new books that she checked out from the library today. We were picking what to read at bedtime and she showed me the elephant books that she checked out. She explained why she moved on to elephants.... She has literally read EVERY book that her library has on dolphins. Every dolphin book. So she started reading her next favorite animal, elephants. Truth be told, she probably had read most of the sea life books altogether not just the dolphin books. Also, I think her librarian ordered some additional dolphin books because she loved them last year.
I love that kid. Her thirst for knowledge amazes me! How about owning that fact when you begin 4th grade....You have read an entire section of books so you have to move on to another. And just so you know, this isn't a tiny little library in some tiny little school. It's a nice-sized library. I kind of forget most days that she's 9. ;-)
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
My dad's in the hospital right now. They are trying to figure out what's wrong with him. I took the girls last night and they were so thoughtful and caring, wanting to color pictures for Papaw, Charlotte laid her little new squishy sea turtle on Papaw, and Drea picked out a worry stone for him in the gift shop that meant courage.
Later when we were sitting watching daddy sleep, Charlotte said to me, "Mom, I wish this wasn't happening to Papaw....I wish this was happening to someone else." Oh my goodness....from the mouths of babes. I didn't want her to think her concern was wrong so I told her it was ok how she felt but I wished this wasn't happening to anyone and wished Papaw was better.
I just love her sweet heart and her mind.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
I'm truly enjoying this weather and the rush from spring in to summer.
I have learned that I thrive outside experiencing God's beauty in nature. There's so many things I want to do this summer... kayak, learn how to ride a horse, sit on my deck and read, ride my bike, and just anything outside. (I say that until it's 100 and humid outside. Lol)
The picture below is of Drea enjoying the weather. Sitting in the sun reading and reading a snack. That was....until grass was getting in her drink and food because I was mowing while she was relaxing.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
The other day I remembered about a great spot my old boss took me to before to get out of the office and eat lunch on a gorgeous day outside. I decided even though it's at least a ten minute drive I would probably enjoy the serenity and even just to sit there for 30 min would be a great getaway.
I was right. It was wonderful.
I spent time writing. Feeling the warm sun and a soft breeze on my face. Hearing the birds chirp and....I'm dead serious....some squirrels run across the brick walkway. I promise it's not made up. It's just a place where I can get away and hear the sweet sounds and appreciate the beauty God made.
I'm so grateful that God made me the kind of person who can sit and feel closer to Him just while taking in his creation.
This is the Memorial Garden at VA Hospital in Clarksburg.