Saturday, January 28, 2017

Giving myself permission

Sometimes it takes reminding....

When you are ingrained to be a certain way...or have created habits.... it takes reminding to turn it off. Reminding...and giving myself permission.

I slept in this morning. That's not the part that I have to give myself permission to do. That is just what I have to do some days to function. It's the rest of the day that requires extra from me.

When you spend so much of your life living by guilt, it takes so much effort to ease up on yourself.  Who guilts me? Me. I make up rules for myself. Ridiculous rules. Not like...don't kiss on the first date type rules. Rules like I have to feel like I've accomplished real things every day. If I don't accomplish anything, it can only be because I was sick or have a migraine or something crazy. These rules aren't real....I don't have them written on paper or anything. But they are there in some my head.

"Sleeping-in" is something I allow myself to do. As a consequence I must wake up to get an extraordinary amount of things done because I slept in. I must make up for that time by getting more done in a few hours than the "average" person. (In quotation because there isn't truly an average person.)

But I kept laying in bed and thinking I didn't feel like jumping up, taking a shower, putting my contacts in and getting on the move for the day. I just didn't. So I laid there feeling guilty that I slept in and guiltier that I didn't want to get my act together to start my tasks. Mind you, I had nothing pressing that had to be done. I was originally supposed to have a meeting today that would last most of the afternoon and then go to Drea's game. Yesterday I found out that my meeting was canceled so I figured it would be a good day to get some things done around the house.

I laid there and started realizing that it was okay if I didn't want to get anything done today. I had to REMIND myself - it's okay that you slept in and it's okay if you don't get right up and get moving. I had to remind myself that it's okay if I have a day where I get nothing done! It's okay if I'm not productive. For goodness sake! I had to tell myself it's ok if you don't take a shower and put your contacts in the moment you get out of bed. (It may be helpful to know that's my routine. I don't feel up and ready to start the day until I have showered, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in.)

I had to GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to throw on my glasses and some comfy clothes and move to the couch to watch tv and eat a bowl of cereal....even if it was 12:30 in the afternoon. Telling myself it's okay if you decide to stay there all day until Drea's game at 5pm was difficult. It truly is okay! Giving myself permission is a big deal for me! It's not easy when you feel like your like runs around productivity and you never want to "lose a day" of productivity. When I lose days, it has to be because I'm sick. And lately I've lost a lot of productivity days due to migraines and it makes me feel behind. (Behind on what goal....I couldn't even tell you. I think that's my imaginary rules again.) I've had to remind myself that this may be what I need to get done more than anything else today. My counselor has told me so many times that I need to take care of me sometimes. I don't do that very well....but I have a feeling a day of rest on my couch might be what that looks least for today.

It's OKAY!

I can love me for a day and give myself permission to take care of me.

*P.S.  Now....can someone remind me of this in a couple weeks when I have forgotten that this is okay again. :)