I've had this blog post in my head for a while....with some doodles on a piece of paper. But I could never bring myself to actually type it. I wasn't sure why. Just figured "busy-ness" kept me from it and I would get to it. Now I think it's because I never had the right ending. I don't like being negative. When I get in depressed, negative moods, I prefer to stay home in bed and not go around anyone because I truly like being the person that infects others with my smile and positivity not the person who brings the room down. Lately, I've been the one who brings the room down.
So that's where this post begins.....
It sucks when you have to finally wash the dishes because you go to eat something and you realize you don't have any clean silverware.
It sucks when you make a great-looking steak and then remember you don't own a steak knife! LOL! (PS - Sharp butter knives work.)
It sucks when you finally break down and buy an outdoor table (for only $99! Woo woo!) and you are stoked to put it together and use it to only get to the very end and realize there is a piece missing.
Watching someone you love dwindle away so quickly to a disease that had never really affected your lives before....sucks.
A life that will never not know the big "C" word again....sucks.
A disease that seems to have more power than anything in this world....sucks.
Running into your kids at Wal-Mart and then having to put them in their dad's car to go home to a house that used to be yours, has all of your stuff in it, all of your spirit and life that you created in it, but isn't your home anymore....sucks.
Being a single mom.....whoa, this sucks a big one!
Making life altering mistakes that you can't take back....sucks.
Not being able to fix a mess you made...sucks.
The devil stealing your life and then wasting years of it on stupidity...SUCKS.
Regret. Failure. Unforgiveness. SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.
But FREEDOM......is Beautiful.
I came to a new realization today. A new focus.
GRATEFULNESS. BEAUTY. FREEDOM.
Not just because it's Thanksgiving. Today I realized that my woes and sadness are positive....odd to say, I know. But it's because I'm grateful. My sadness is a result of something good. Praise God!!! (Stay with me if you don't get it....I'll explain.)
I was a different person for a few years....
someone who wasn't me....
someone who couldn't see the reality of my situation....
someone who couldn't get out of the brainwashing enough to see the trees through the forest....
....so how am I not still in the abusive relationship I was trapped in?
GOD SAVED ME!!
He finally got something through to me that clicked in my head so I could wake up and leave and realize that I wasn't me. He rescued me!
I could still be in that situation. I could be a miserable human being 40 or 50 years from now who couldn't escape and my children hated me for the situation I kept them in and the life I made them live. God woke me up!!! I'm so grateful to him for that. Grateful for a counselor who made me get real with myself about life. Grateful that I am free to be me again. I am learning to appreciate all of my blessings in whatever way they happen.
I get to live the rest of my life not under the spell of some evil man.
I get to live the rest of my life not trapped with a child with a miserable, evil man.
I get to live my life happy with the me I've become.
I get to share my story with others and hope I can help someone else hear God sooner.
I get to be close to my family again.
I get to try to recover things I lost.
I get to live a beautiful life even if I don't recover every single thing....I get the chance to try!!
I am grateful God saved me. That is my story.
Cancer may suck. Divorce may suck. Stupid annoying things in life...yep, they still suck.
But my God is the saver of all "suckiness."
Do I still have bad days.....absolutely! Lots of them! Some days I can barely function after the memories bubble to the surface of how I destroyed my family and hurt the people I love so badly. Those are the days I usually have to forgive myself again and thank God for his amazing grace!! (Wow, have I learned what that song really means!) Forgiveness is never a single action. We have to forgive over and over again...that's the only way forgiveness works. I've had to learn that in forgiving myself. Thank God he doesn't have to continually forgive us for one thing over and over again. He forgives us and forgets about it. Praise God!!
So, let me encourage you....wipe those tears....find out what is keeping you chained up and don't let it have any ownership over your life anymore. God helped me break free of a relationship....that, yes, never should have happened to begin with....that was unhealthy and cancerous to my life and the world around me....I was rescued from that. God did that.
I'm going to trust that he's got it the rest of the way and I will let him drive.